I wish I only lived at night.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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