Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
