it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
