I hate your face
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
