ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
