I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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