my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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