i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
