Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
