Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
