I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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