TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
