I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
