It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
