you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
