Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
