you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
