Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
