Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
