All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
