I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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