Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
