Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
