I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
