i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
