ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
