Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
