So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
