the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
