Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
