dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
