Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
