No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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