Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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