And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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