Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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