I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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