I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
