you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
