im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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