They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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