you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
