i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
