ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
