I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
