I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
