It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
