I want to make a zoo with you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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