Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
