Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
