The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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